Today while helping B put flyers up through Bethlehem, we wandered into Sigafoos. I don't know if any of you know who Sigafoos is, but let me tell you, he's one HELL of an artist/tattoo artist. I talked to him for a while about the next tat I want and he threw out some really really great ideas.

Now, my parents and grandparents made me promise not to get another tattoo until after I graduate college, but I don't think they've realized how much everything has changed. Body art has become such a huge form of self expression in our culture, some people even use them as therapy. Hell, I got my second one the day I decided not to let C control me anymore. I know that it's not something that they understand, and as far as my Grandparents go I know that it's not really an accepted thing in the Jewish culture, not to mention they think I'm "beautiful as I am." But that isn't what the craving for more is about. I'm not trying to make myself into a piece of art. I barely wonder anymore if people like my tattoos or not, these are for me now... to carry a memory or a lesson on my body at all times.

While we were talking the tattoo artist had this really wonderful idea, because I want Ganesh on the back of my neck, he was thinking about tweaking Ganesh to be somewhat of a portrait of me. This is mainly a perfect idea because as Ganesh is the remover of all obstacles and the bestower of good luck and prosperity, tweaking the elephant god into mimicking me is exactly what I need.

I got the tattoo on my foot because for years, while I was extremely depressed and couldn't pull out of it, E was the person who was always there and always understood. So when I got her home state on my foot that was my way of saying thank you. I wanted to thank her for helping me carry my pain, now that she's out of the picture it sucks, yeah. But, the truth is, is that no matter what she is to me now, the apple blossoms remind me of all I did to get to the point of being okay.

The ohm symbol on my hip is a whole other story. After C really screwed me over the last thing I had was inner peace, and this tattoo was a goal that I set for myself.  I am so very close to obtaining that goal and every day that I see it I am reminded to move myself closer to inner understanding and serenity.

Now, why is this skewed portrait of Ganesh and myself is so perfect? Because at the end of the day... I need to remember that it is I who make my life decisions, who contol what obstacles knock me down and bury me, and what good things my energy will bring toward me. If I said I didn't believe in good luck I'd be lying... but I do however believe in the fact that we create our own luck, by the situations and people we surround ourselves with. Ganesh will be my third tattoo in my course of finding myself... past, present, and future.

I have had all of these things in my control to a certain extent... and I want to remember that till the day I die. If painting my body will remind me (as it has so far) I would love for that to be my method of recording myself.





If only I could get my family to understand that.




http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=436634940&albumId=744845





http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=436634940&albumId=370841

I feel replaced and scared. I feel like everything around me changed so drastically the last 9 months I can't catch up and I can't fit it. I feel like this isn't even my home anymore.

Last night as I was walking home from a friends I looked down at the ground and saw that I had two shadows. I think that means something. One was lighter than the other one, and as I thought up the difference between the two this is what I came up with. (and trust me, I know this isn't brilliant writing right now but i just need to write it all out and I was already surfing xanga so why not).


There is the light shadow. The shadow that I carry around with me all the time. She's happy, and happy to be with who she's with and where she is and lives in the moment that she is given and tries really hard to trust people and not hold on to the past and wonder when the next person is going to leave her. This shadow always laughs and holds her friends hands and wishes them the best through thick and thin and most of the time tries to see them through it. This shadow is optimistic, dangerously optimistic at times. Sometimes she's so optimistic that she gets her hopes up way too high and ends up feeling crushed at the end of the day. But, she bounces back because that's what people. need. her. to. do.


And then,  there is this other shadow. Who doesn't come out often but when she comes out you can completely see the change. She is nervous, and scared all the time. She is angry at him for leaving and more angry at her for leaving way before she really really needed her. She doubts her friends, and feels constantly like they're either untrustworthy, talking behind her back, or incapable of understanding what she is feeling. She is selfish as all hell, and needs the attention to be on her until she goes away. She cries a lot. Not really for any reason other than she feels like she's missing something. Part of the big picture. She is pessimistic, constantly looking for the next big disaster. The person who didn't answer their phone probably got in an accident, or if he's acting weird as we're texting this entire relationship has been a prank and he doesn't want to be with me... he's lying. Everyone is lying. Even her. Because in her heart of hearts she knows which shadow she is, she knows she'll leave. But she makes herself believe she's going to stay forever.


When I made up these two circumstances I looked up from the path I was walking, and there on the side of a car was another shadow.


I don't know who I am. I don't know what is going on. I don't know why I'm feeling like this but honestly... I have never felt so betrayed.